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Truely Gloomy Inside and Out [Jan. 18th, 2006|12:50 am]
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[music |Unwritten - Natasha Beddingfield]

Oh my dearest Journal, today is a truely sad day. It almost seems that most of my days have been turning out pretty sad and crappy. Or at least it seems this way recently. You see, I came home as an adult where I had left as a child. And, of course, as an adult I am choosing to make what I would figure to be adult like decisions. You see, I am in serious like with this boy that I knew back in HS and we are dating now. I care about him alot and he seems to care about me just as much if not more. I would even go as far as to saying this one, is the one, he's that perfect for me. Most days. But on some days, which since winter has set in and we are always stuck moping around the house, I'd say it's become at least once a week that we get into these spats.
You see dear Journal that the fault lies honestly completly in either one of us. It all seems to lie in our varried levels of stress and how we take it. Well, I am stressed out over school, work, friends, cheating lovers (of friends - of course!), magically appearing bills, a wicked evil flat-mate, a caniving older sister, and my ever deplenishing/non existant cash moneys. Jamin on the other hand, mind you that these are only the ones that I know of, is stressed out by work (I'd say mostly), flat-mate, flatt-mate's cheating-lying girl friend, me, car, his band/band mates, bills, and never having enough to eat. As you can see, we both have a lot on our plates! The worst part is that a lot of our out side influences seem to be beating at our doors at the same time and that there seems to be nothing that we can do to stop any of the problems that are always happening. Then you have the fact that, unless one of us is working, we spend all of our free time with each other. I mean, I know Jamin has other friends and could easilly blow me off to hang out with them, but I think he knows that I really have no one and he pitties me. Ok, so it's not like I couldn't have friends if I wanted them, and I do have some friends, it's just that most of my friends are his friends. So of course we'd eventually end up falling in together anyway.
So, yeah, anyway, I have no idea where to start when it comes to picking all that apart, but I'm sure that we'll think of something eventually. I mean, I've already talked to my Dad after I did my budget and found out that even if I pay all of my bills and don't ever spend money on fun, feminine necesities, or food I will stll end up two hundred dollars over my spending limit. I bravely asked him if there was anyway if I could move back into the house for alittle while and he said yes. This releases me from my appartment ($275/m) and my electric bill (varies $125/m) and my evil room mate. But then he said "But yeah, your mother and I will expect you to pay rent..." Why should I have to pay rent to live in my home when he doesn't make Gigi (the woman who "helps" my family's business but always has something wrong with her and is the gossip queen. Not to mention she wants my Dad's body, he's really getting old ya know?) and her two bratts who eat all the food that my Mom buys? So anyway, I said ok and asked how much? He said $150/m so basically, after I get done paying all of my bills myself and paying my rent to my parents, I will have a whole $50 to use on whatever I want! I totally don't get it. The entire time that I am in the Navy he tells me that he wants me to come home and when I do he makes me pay rent. I wasn't even paying rent in the Navy. This entire situation blows!
Well let me move on to the whole Friend/ Jamin's flat-mate and the skeazie-cheating girl friend issue, shall we? My friend Cliff has been dating this girl for 11 months and he totally digs her. I mean, engagment ring digs her. I'm cool with that, it's totally his life and his choice, but I don't have to agree with it or feel comfortable with it. Truth be known, I don't because back in October I found out that said girl friend had sex with a "friend" of mine in my appratment on my bed. I wouldn't have known about this unless the guy had told my sister who, of course, told me. Well yeah I told him, but only because he asked me to. And it wasn't one of those things where I eard it from someone who heard it from someone else either. As soon as I got off the phone with my sister I went over to my aprtment, hadn't been there in a few days cause I normally stay with Jamin, and went right to my room. I then threw back the blanket and sheet on my bed to find a dried up "juice spot" and a few stray pubic hairs. I could have called all this back as being something as to fault of me and Jamin screwing arround except for one thing, we didn't crisson my bed yet. So I tore the sheets and blankets off the bed, took them to my parents house, washed them, returned, flipped the matress, sprayed a shit ton of FABREEZE all over it (both sides), and redressed the bed. So yeah when Cliff asked me I told him that his girl friend was a cheater. He then went to her, asked her about it and she said "yeah we kissed a little and I let him feel my boobs while we were on Maria's bed, but we never had sex..." That right there is grounds for dumping her to me but he took her word that they didn't have sex, waged his finger at her like she was a kindergardner and basically told her not to do that ever again and let her off the hook. WHAT-THE-HELL-PEOPLE?! Seriously, what the fucking hell? Needless to say that since then she hasn't made herself look any better in my eyes. Especially when she is constantly standing her boy friend up and talking about other guys in front of, well, everyone and anyone who will listen never once mentioning her BOYFRIEND Cliff and spending hours at said other guys' houses and generally making Cliff look like a worthless turd. So I'm sorry if I dislike her, but what can I say? She's a hopeless, mindless, robot that cheats and lies to her boy friend and he lets her get away with it.
Oh well! With that said, thanks so much for letting me get that off my chest dear Journal. I feel a little better know and might even be able to go to sleep tonight without having to worry about nightmares. Then again, I could be very wrong.
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Back to school [Sep. 2nd, 2005|11:04 am]
[mood |artisticartistic]
[music |ABC123 - Jackson Five]

Dearest Journal,
I know it has been a very long time since the last time I assulted your insides with my love for the written word! I'm sure you missed it. So don't complain. You'll never believe what I've gotten myself into this time! That's right baby! I'm back in school. Sadly enough the whole navy thing didn't exactly work out for me the way I had intended it to, but no big deal! I bounce back better then jello and in multipul colors!
Needless to say I'm loving this college experience thus far. I thought it would be hard, but it's been smoothe so far. I'm really greatful for the chance to do a few things different in my life and to, how you say, start over? Being back in town has been great for me too. I found my old group of friends, minus three (i'll ellaborate later), and even started dating Flasher. Ok, ok! Don't mock me out so hard. I persoanlly think it was cool that he did the whole cheer-leading thing in High School. That just means he's way flexible and easier going then he use to be. Not to mention he does awasome handstands! Still...
Now let me talk some on the "minus three" part. Curt has totally become a sell out in every sense of the word. I'm actually ashamed of him. This is something that I wasn't quite expecting. Appearently the Air Force let him go early on a good conduct discharge because they were "down sizing". Hello! That is so lame! The millitary does not down size. They may release you early so that newer people can come in, but that is not down sizing!! God Curt, you have became Senior Lamo Excuso! Then there's Lisa. You'd think that after the last few years of avoiding her when I came home she would realize that I have become privy to her ways. What ways you ask? The way that she uses me to go cheat on her husband of course. I'm not in support of her cheating, nor do I support his. It's a double edged sword.
So lets talk for a moment about the last friend that I have lost, Ken. Ken died over seas earlier this year and it's taken me a while to get over it. Even now as I sit here and read this I think back on how great a person he was and how I feel that, in a way, he saved me a little. I was in love with Ken, still am, but I'm learning to move on and to miss him without hurting so much. In reality, I think I've turned the whole thing in a dream. You know, kind of like I keep thinking that he's ok and still over seas and that he'll be home on leave any day now. And then things will be all better. I know they won't. I know he's dead and burried in virginia, but I don't know if I'm readilly willing to accept that. I don't want to loose that special part of me that allows me to believe that he's still out there somewhere "looking" for me.
Well there you go... I've gone and gotten myself all choked up and now I have to go get ready for class. I still hang out with Katie. I really wish that Ken's death hadn't been that which brought our friends back together. I love you Ken, wherever you may be. I love you...
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(no subject) [Dec. 17th, 2004|06:22 pm]
[mood |distresseddistressed]
[music |Super Girl - Unknown]

Hello lovely Journal! Long time no write in ya, huh!? Well lots of bad things have been happening since I last wrote in ya, huh?! So where do I begin? I have noticed that a lot of the things that I write about in ya, huh, are bad or upsetting. So I guess I'm looking at it as a lack of evolution in my life. I'm not moving forward, I'm moving back. I'm not happy unless I'm (A- on the phone with my Family/ (B- on the phone with my Ted/ or (C- hanging out doing whatever with my boyfriend (who pisses me off a lot too). So where do I begin?
I guess I could start off by stating that this has been the worst last three months of my life! I've been side swiped by a bad driver who took off from the scene of the accident and endangered me and my four friends. I've had my identity stolen by some hick in Tennessee (those people can't even spell Mississippi). I've fallen down a flight of stairs. I've had my wisdome teeth pulled and a tooth broken in the proccess. I've even had my very own truck crashed into, or should I say backed into, by a guy with no license and it not being his car. So again, lots of bad stuff this last few months. I am now filled with self hurt and wish it would all just be over. Oh, did I forget to mention that my phone bill some how managed to become $500.00 up! Sucky three months.
The car accident mentioned about me and my friends really has me pissed off because the guy hit me and took off. He was driving an SUV and it was much bigger than my little rental car. It wouldn't be so bad if it hadn't turned out that he had received "no" damage to his auto and mine was almost flattened! How do you receive no damage what so ever?! I don't know! So his insurance company says that because his auto doesn't look like it could have POSSIBLY hit my rental car that it never did. So this blows! Now the rental car place says I owe them $1000 bucks! Where do they expect me to get a thousand dollars!? Out my ass whole?! I'm not made of magic!!!
Identity theft is pretty self explanatory, so i'll leave that one to your imaginations and thusly with the stairs and wisdom teeth. All things I believe to be obvious bad things that were semi-preventable. But as for the other car accident it was so not my fault! My "friend?" backed into my truck using his best friends truck when he shouldn't have been driving it cause he has no license and the insurance isn't in DG's (the best friend)name, it's in his girl friends! So this has become a cluster fuck of stupid things that are happening all at one time! I hate this damn island and can't wait to be free from the navy. WOO-HA RESERVES!
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First Fight [Jul. 29th, 2004|07:38 pm]
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[music |Unforgettable - UNOWHO]

Oh journal, I am foresaken. Me and Vichet just had our first real fight and now I am alone. For some reason I don't even think talking to you will help this pain go away. Is love supposed to suck this much? I don't think anything, any kind of pain imaginable (with the exception of maybe a rat eating through your skull) is as bad as the pain of true loss. Vichet means the world to me. I know what you're thinking though, I've barely started to date him. I realize now that I should only be in the stages of like. That maybe I moved too fast for him. We come from such different back grounds. He even locks his door at night. My dad leaves his keys in the truck over night. There is a lot a of hate in him. And feelings that I don't understand, couldn't understand.
He asks me if I think that everything he has said, all his feelings and the emotions he has shown me with such reluctance, is a lie. To tell you the truth I am very unsure at this point. I don't know what to think. He thinks that I think that I am too good for him. Am I using him? Are the feelings I have for him false feelings that I'm using to secure him tighter to me? Do I secretly hate him? No, but maybe he feels that way to me. Maybe secretly he is revolted by my touch. I can only make assumptions at this point.
This really is one of those moments where I wish I could call my mom and ball over the phone like a pathetic little kid who just had a nightmare. H e won't speak to me and I can't regress 18 years and tell my mom about all this, at least not until the weekend. Pondering on all of this isn't helping Journal, so I think I'll go to bed a pout for a while. So much love to Momo and Benji. Stay alive you guys.
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3.0 [Jul. 8th, 2004|08:42 pm]
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[music |Maroon 5 - This Love]

Alooha dear journal, it really had been a while. I believe the last entry was posted before I went home on leave. So I think it's definitely time for an up date. The question is where to begin. Should I talk about my new love interest, my current events, my time while I was on leave? What will be the starting topic?
I guess I'll choose the reason why I'm so angry at the moment. You would think that with all the leaps and bounds that I have been going through to make my chain of command happy, I would get a little more out of it. I've completely changed who I am for them. I've become less of myself and more of I don't know who. They say that I've made a complete 360 degree turn around. Well that's all fine and dandy for them, but where has it gotten me? I have so little faith in myself anymore. I've become a "yes" person. Can you believe it dear journal?! Me! A "yes" person. But my division is proud of me. They like this new me. Not the old me that stuck up for herself and gave a damn about everything at once. No buddy. They like the me that says at the end of the work day "Are you sure you don't need anything else Cheif?" I'm infuriated with myself. I've completely lost myself. And now evals are here. I know you're not supposed to see your evals until the Master Cheif hands it to you, reveiws it with you, and asks you to sign it, but hey, they were all in a pile on his desk asking me to sneak a peak! So I did and you know what I saw? I saw a lot of Must Promotes and even one Early Promote, but when I got to mine (which just happened to be on the bottom) and I opened it up all I saw was a big fat Promotable. So basicaly, I'm scrap.
Now that I've begun to cry, I think I'll change the subject. I leave the USS FRANK CABLE in 6 months. It's time for me to pick up orders and I'm so excited. There's only one thing keeping me from being completely happy about this. His name is Vichet. Actually it's Phaktravichet (I dare you to try and pronounce it!) and I love this kid. He's completely my opposite. I mean, he's so totaly real, and I'm so totally not. He's cambodian and he has history written in his eyes and everytime I look at him all I think is, "why has he chosen me?, what's so great about me?" He's one of those guys that probably could have any girl he wants, but he's strangely enough chosen me over them. I asked him if he was on crack, he said not in a few years now. Did I mention he's sarcastic? It's probably the only trate we share!
Sweet journal I'm going to have to cut this real short this time for I have to go muster with the SDO. So I will give the rest of my report at a later date. I send all my love to those few devoted friends that I still have back home! If you ever get bored, (671) 777-1240! SO MUCH LOVE!
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Concidering Leave! [Nov. 29th, 2003|12:55 pm]
[mood |enthralledenthralled]
[music |Date w/ David Bowie - Veruca Salt]

Oh precious journal. Though I know it has yet to have been three months, I finaly came to realize that it was definately time for me to pause and take a hit! So here I sit in my normal relaxed state of mind infornt of this funky old school computer and I type! So lets begin shal we?
Oh precious journal for whom I have much admiration of, let me start off by saying I am miserable on Guam. Why, you ask? Well it is simply because yesterday was turkey day and I was stuck on this miserable excuse for a "tropical paradice" with no snow, no family, and no turkey day parades! So yes, of course I am steadilly growing more and more unhappy. We all know what the day after turkey day states. It states that Christmas is right around the corner. Noticing this makes me notice something else that is very important. I AM NOT HOME! True, being home might not be a good idea for me right now, what with the chance that I might become way too happy for my own good and decide, "maybe the Navy doesn't need me that badly". At that slight oprotunity I might take the chance to stay home... for good! It'd be a good chance for me to start over, but I'm pretty sure it'd be hard for me to find a job with no govt. connections. So I'd eventually be tracked down anyway!
With that said, my lovely journal, I wake to a new means to regain my sanity. A little shinning light of hope known as "leave" has begun to shine in my general dirrection. I have decided, and yes I will stick to the intital plan, to go home for about 30 days or so. I'll put in my chit at the begining of December, which just so happens to be on Monday, and I will request 35 days of leave inwhich I will be at home in NY as close to family and friends as possible. I don't think I should tell them initially what day I plan to be home, but rather surprise them. All I need tell my parents is that my dates are set for febuary till mid march and to forward me mucho funds! At that point I will buy my ticket and sign out ASAP!
Wish me luck dear journal, for this will be my last entry till about Christmas! Lots of love and many smooches throught your pages...
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Another day gone by... [Oct. 22nd, 2003|07:26 pm]
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |Just A Kid - Simple Plan]

So it's been a while oh faithful journal! And I must say that I'm sorry to have naglected you so. But I've been so busy as of late. So lets not waste anymore time getting re-aquainted. Lets just do it!
Like I said, a lot has happened sence my last entry... I guess I could start with the trip to Sasebo Japan. It was cool! I never knew it was that small though, but we seemed to have a lot of fun. A friend of mine, named Cherri, and I even found a cool little game center where we took lots of cool photo boothe pictures. We played this game where you bang on one of those giant japanese drums to music and I won all the time! I seem to have some real skill banging that drum. So after having found the place, we went back again the next day and brought our friend Becki. Again, mucho photo op! I think we spent over one hundred dollars on photos alone! I mean, I really wouldn't be surprised with the way we are.
After Japan we simply returned home and all fun came to an abrupt end. I guess it was bound to happen. They closed down the gally for about two weeks and sent Leonlyn, Cherri, Sarena, and me to 2nd division deck untill Nov. 21. We're on paint team and I have to admit that i enjoy it better than my regular job any day of the week, but as they say, "all good things must eventually come to an end." And it will, just not yet! After I do get back to my original division they plan on sending me to MS1 Sayco's fuckered up watch! Those people are beyond lazy! I think I'm being punnished for some strange reason, I just can't qite place it at the moment.
So why don't we talk about my beloved Jay. I haven't talked about him in a long while. Actually... I haven't talked to him or even heard from him in a while. I have this suspicion like he's fallen out of love with me but is too scared to tell me. I wish he would just come right out and be a man! Just tell me straight up, "Ria, I don't love you anymore." or "I've found some body else and I'm happy." Jesus Christ all mighty! I would accept it if it were the truth. I mean, I haven't had any relationships past friendships with any guy on all of earth for the past two years because I kept telling myself, "He still oves me, he just doesn't have a lot of time on his hands. Not enough to write or call or e-mail little unimportant me with at least." God! You know I love that guy so much, but the first time that I actually get a hold of his ass in months and I get "I'm sorry, but I have company. You want me to call you back later?" No damnit! I don't want you to call me back later. Who the hell would you have over as company past mindnight accept a girl that you plan on having sex with? I feel like those divorced women in the movies that say shit like "I gave that man 6 good years of my life!" I mean, he couldn't even say my name. It's as if he was trying to keep soeone on the other side out of suspicion. I guess that's what I get for falling for I guy I can't even touch. Oh well...
Other than all that, my life has been really boring, oh darling journal. So with all that said, It's time for me to get some rest. I have training tomorrow! Love you!
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Can't stop the rain... [Jul. 2nd, 2003|09:39 am]
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |Camel Toe - Unknown]

Well hello there journal. It's been a while! I figured that you had missed me just about as much as I was missing you. Probably even thought I had desserted you, but nay. Much to my avail I have been riving in the word "bussy" for the last couple of months. So let me begin!
Our CO actually had a brilliant off going plan. This plan was to take the whole of our little crew and take them on a week and a half tour of Tounsville Australia. With the acception of been over run with work, the trip actually went rather smoothely. We had all the uasual drills, of course, but we didn't break down once this time out. So we get to Australlia and before I can even leave the ship to go explore this new found land, they make us hump trash. It took us untill 2pm to get all those heavy plastic disks off the ship. my watch only had three days off the whole time we were there thanks to the other watches complaints that they weren't being alotted the same amount of time off that we were getting. I guess the bigger problem was that they had three weekends in a row off. The weekend right before Australia, the one while we were in Australia, and the one right after we got back Australia. It made all of us on the other watch so angry.
I have to admit that while we were in Australia I got to do some pretty cool things. I went cattle driving and basically got to help "mutilate" a male calf. Oh the things that we did to this poor critter! We clipped his ears, burnt numbers and letters into his hide, and even castrated him. If your mentally or even physically crossing your legs and cringing in pain, just know that I totally sympethise. Other than that I got to go to the zoo and see the Crockadile Hunter Steve Irwin. He was so cool. We all thought the Crockdile was going to win this time! LOL.
The way back was cool too. There was one point where Chriss, Brandon, and I went up onto the weather decks after dark and just hung out talking about what we wanted to do after the Navy and stared up at the stars. We were up there for hours but it was worth it. We saw quite a few shooting stars that night. My wish was always the same. If he reads these then he knows what the wishes were all about. ;)
Other than that, I've just been trying to keep my nose clean. I was finnaly moved out of the galley and moved into the Vege Prep shop. I don't do a whole lot of work in there. All I do is play with vegetables and fruits. It's actually given me a chance to get creative. I know how the make lots of different kinds of garnishes now. I'm kind of glad that my division gave me the chance to work in there.
So Jenny and Billy finnaly left the nest. Jenny and Ray are even living together now in Syracuse while they finnish up collage. I guess they're really happy together. So I'm happy for them. Billy left for Army basic training to be in the reserves. I'm really proud of him. I just hope he doesn't make the same mistake I did and give off the wrong first impression. I wonder how my parents are going to cope without all of us. All they have left is Katie and the pets! I hope they'll be ok. I'll be home soon enough though. I might even be married when I come home for good. Good idea? Bad idea?
Well journal, that's all I have for now. Be expecting more entries more often. Till next time! Ciao baby
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Leave Damnit! [Mar. 9th, 2003|12:35 pm]
[mood |excitedexcited]
[music |Checkin' Out - Rancid]

It's been so long sinse the last time I wrote in this journal. I wouldn't be surprised if no one remembered me. But life has gotten pretty boring sinse the last time I wrote. The only interesting things that have happened lately are the "Super Typhoon" that we had to go out sea for a whole week and a half for (it basically distroyed Guam, but we've been recovering nicely), my XOI in which I was labeled a racist against Native Americans and Blacks (not like I have either of them in my family back ground), and now my inevitable leave (that's right! I'm FINALLY going home). So where do I begin?
How about If I start with the Super Typhoon. That was a real ball buster. It was a perfectly nice week up until they announced, "All hands prepare to go underway at call". That basically ruined my week. Not that I didn't have to work the weekend anyway, but it would have been nice to get that last morning off like I had hoped to have. The next morning we were all packed on the ship like it were Noah's ark, only worse. It was all good the first few days out to sea. We had enough food and enough things to entertain us with that kept our minds off the fact that we had all just left our families behind to die in a SUPER TYPHOON! All the family folks were starting to get a little adjetated around the 6th or 7th day. Then we found out that if were to stay out past 10 days, we wouldn't have enough food to feed the whole crew. (We were supposed to have stores brounght on board the morning that we left out to sea) Finally on day 9 we pulled back n. The coast guard had said that it would be all good for us to pull back in, so we did. When we got there we were all amazed. We could see the noticable difference as soon as we got back in to port.
Saying that it was a typhoon was a joke. The super typhoonthat hit Guam devistated the place. There were cars on top of cars in our parking lot. Some had been folded in half and tossed from one side of the lot to the other. Trees all around had been torn from the ground or split in half. I couldn't believe the damage done to down town Tumon. Electric polls all around had been snapped like twigs, peieces of whole hotel buildings had been taken out like they were make of cake, the place looked like it had been in war. All the families had been sent to the Hilton to stay while recorvery efforts were put into progress. So we've been slowly coming around. All I can say is that, I'm glad I bought a truck!
On to the racism confrentation. I was standing around on the mess decks (my space) talking to a friend and I got labeled a racist for saying "because I'm black." Now I find it kind of funny that someone would take offence to that. Go figure. The native american thing wasn't even me saying anything. The person that reported me (a known lesbian) said I was making "native american war calls" whatever the hell that is. So they sent me to DRB on Martin Luthar King Jr. day (for christ's sake!) and then to XOI the next day where I was explained what a war call is. So in regards to all that, this place sucks.
All you need to know about the Leav thing is that, well, I'M GOING HOME! Finally, and they'll be lucky if I come back.
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Pesky Pixies Paskanomy! [Nov. 24th, 2002|04:18 pm]
[mood |soresore]
[music |Motivation Proclimation - Good Charlette]

Well, I went to courts marshal for that thing that I mentioned in my last entry. And here I thought it was all over, but no! I guess it's fun to torture the victims of hanous crimes? So I went, I stated my case, AGAIN, and I figured that would be it. I was questioned by the officer in charge of the courts marshal and then questioned by Kelly. He kept trying to trip me up, trying to make me say things that obviously weren't in my statement or that weren't true, but it wasn't working. I know my damn story and I'm not one of those people who can so easilly get caught up! Be he did try! So I have to give him some credit. I basically spent a whole day where I acomplished nothing. In the end I guess you could say that I won because I'm not going to Captain's Mast and he's got 60 days in the brig, 3/4 of a month's pay taken away times 3, dropped in rank from an E-5 to an E-1, and he's getting punted out of the Navy. So like I said, I guess I won, and in a way, so did all the other girls that he's hurt. Too bad they're releasing that on the real world?
ANYWAY...!
I called my mom the other day and she told me that I have two weeks to get her my christmas list. How easy is it to find things that can easilly fit into boxes that can be sent to my ship! So I guess that means the fold up bike is out of the picture! Oh well. But still, that's only two weeks to think of things that I want. But I'm not worried because I have an idea of what it is I want already. So now all I have to do is send it home. Too bad I left it on my lap top back at my BEQ. Doiy!
SOOOOO...
I guess I can say that's life as of right now. If you ever get bored with your lives then just drop a line. I'm going to walk Crystal down stairs so that she can eat. She obviously can't do it without me! Love ya peeps!
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